BuddyPress.org

I never figured out the organic method to do this, which I’m sure would’ve been a lot cleaner.

I ended up solving my problem by using the outdated “activity-as-blog-comments” plugin, but it required a few tweaks to the plugin and my 3-column theme (bp-columns) to get everything functioning properly. The concise answer to the riddle probably lays there-within, but alas, I don’t know what half that stuff does. Good luck in your adventures, brave warrior.